The first blog in this series talked about our ability to choose, not just what to wear or what to eat, but how we see our circumstances and how we see other people too. Our choices in these areas affect not only our own happiness but also our leadership. Motivating ourselves and others is an important part of leadership. One of the choices we make repeatedly is what we use to motivate ourselves and others.
When I went through school, everything got a grade, every assignment, every test, even class participation or conduct got graded. Grades have been used to evaluate the level of understanding of class material, quality of work, and appropriate behavior. Grades have also been thought of as enticing, even pushing students to work harder to get a better grade if they didn’t get the grade they expected, wanted or felt they needed to please their parents or get into a program or school that they wanted to achieve their goals. But grading doesn’t stop for many people once they leave the academic world and enter the workforce.
In many businesses and professions use performance reviews. Anybody who’s been in any kind of company, business, not even necessarily corporate, might have experienced a performance review. Usually, it’s done annually. For decades, it’s been a time most often when people say, “You do this well, but you’ve really got to work on these things. These are your weaknesses. This is where you need to pay attention, where you’ve got to improve.” I have no clue who invented performance reviews, but the idea has always been that if you don’t get the review that you want, that’s supposed to be motivation to work harder so your next review is better. But when you don’t get the grade or review you want it can be discouraging and then harder to push to improve for the next test or review.
Grades and performance reviews are not great motivators. Fear of losing a job, not getting a raise or promotion, fear of the disapproval of a teacher, parent, boss or even a faith leader, are not typically great motivators either.
The other thing that is often used as a motivator are ‘shoulds.’ “This is what you should do.” “You should know better.” “You should know how to do this.” ” We should reach these goals.” These are all examples of ‘shoulds.’ Should is always a judgment because it says we’re supposed to be someplace else other than where we are with things. A ‘should’ in that sense is always a judgment. When we hear them, especially when they’re said in the tone of voice and a way of delivering that really conveys judgment they can deflate all motivation. “If you don’t do this, you’re not a good person.” “If you don’t do it this way, you’re not a good believer.” This is the kind of judgment that’s implied and what people hear, even when judgment is not explicitly stated.
Those kinds of ‘shoulds’ tend to be like the proverbial carrot and the stick. The carrot of approval or gaining what we want is out there, but It’s the stick of judgment that’s actually driving us to move. When someone comes at us very aggressively or even with a very hard assertive attitude, like ‘should’, that tends to make us defensive and push back. That’s not a good motivator, not a great way to lead someone.
In Big Potential: How Transforming the Pursuit of Success Raises Our Achievement, Happiness and Well-Being Shawn Achor writes:
“Not only is failing to give praise a wasted opportunity to reinforce positive behaviors; in the absence of praise, our brain goes straight to the negative, causing us to perceive criticism of our work. Brent Furl, one of today’s most enterprising young neuroscientists, explains that when we perceive criticism, rejection or fear, ‘our bodies produce higher levels of neurochemicals that shut down the thinking center of our brains and activate protective behaviors. We become more reactive and sensitive. We often perceive even greater judgment and negativity than actually exists.’”
In other words, when we lead with criticism or not expressing gratitude, people are hearing criticism instead. What’s the point of doing something well or working harder if no one notices and cares? When we thank somebody for what they’re doing, it shows appreciation for it. That is encouraging and motivating. Appreciation doesn’t have to be a big blowout celebration. That’s not what this kind of thanks or praise is about. It can be just saying, “Hey, you did a good job with this. Thank you.” It’s acknowledging what someone does well, that kind of praise.
But we have to be careful with the kinds of praise and thanks that we give. In faith communities it’s not uncommon after a service for a few people say something about the sermon. Occasionally, someone says, “That was a great sermon” or something like that. I never know what people mean when they say that. Then there are the times I hear something like, “That’s the best sermon I’ve heard in a long time.” When I was a pastor in a congregation and preached regularly, I wondered what that meant about all the other sermons I’d preached. Nowadays I fill in for pastors when they‘re gone for a Sunday. What does that kind of comment say about the pastor who’s there regularly? What does that say about this person’s experience with other pastors and hearing other sermons? It’s nice that the person appreciated my message, but it’s kind of a put down of everybody else’s.
That’s a comparison rather than actual praise. A comparison means someone or something better than another. “This is the best class we’ve ever had.” “This is the best way that something’s been laid out.” “This is the best music.” Using words like ‘better’ and ‘best’ creates a comparison. When comparison is used as a praise, it becomes a put down of somebody or something else.
Real praise and thanks are what we want to give. For example, “Thank you for the clarity.” “I really appreciated the message that you wrote in the newsletter.” “The bulletin looked so good today because it was laid out so nicely.”
Those kinds of comments talk about the actual thing somebody did. Tell somebody specifically what it is that you’re grateful for and find good. As a leader, that’s one way to use gratitude. We all like to know what we’re doing that others appreciate. Sharing that with people is important.
When we say something positive and specific about what somebody is doing it’s a way of showing gratitude to them. It’s a way of raising the whole positive atmosphere in the places where we work, whether it be the office in your faith community with staff people, with the members of your faith community, a class that you’re teaching, or worship service. All those things can raise the level of enthusiasm, caring, and commitment in the faith community and to the overall ministry.
In the absence of praise, science has now discovered that our brains go to criticism, or at least to a very neutral place, but often to criticism and perceiving something negative. But there are many people who have a hard time accepting and receiving appreciation. These are people who feel that if they accept someone’s appreciation that they’re not really being humble. Not accepting someone’s thanks or gratitude for what you’re doing is false humility. True humility includes recognizing that other people also have talents and abilities, that we’re not the greatest or best at everything, but that we do have gifts and it’s okay for other people to recognize them. One mentor of my mentors teaches that when somebody says something positive to either verbally say or to think,” I receive that, thank you.” It’s not only okay, but important to receive graciously when someone says something positive, gives some praise, says words of appreciation for what you’re doing or how you’re doing something.
As leaders it’s important for us to be examples of graciously receiving other people’s expressions of gratitude. It’s equally important for us to share our gratitude for and with others. For example, if you’re teaching a class and someone makes an interesting point, say that it’s an interesting point. Thank the person for bringing up that issue or point of view. That would be a way of appreciating how somebody thinks and processes things. Be specific about what was great about that person’s point. Be specific about what it is you appreciated about the music that morning or about the way something looks, the way something is printed, whatever it is.
When we’re not specific and giving general praise to somebody like, “You’re a good teacher” what does that mean? Or “you’re doing such a nice job with the kids” Great, but what does that mean? Be specific about what is nice about how the person interacts with the children.
Expressing our gratitude for specific things other people do lets the people we lead know that we notice and value what they do, including what often is seen as the little things as well as the bigger things that they do. As mentioned earlier by Shawn Achor in his book, failure to do this leads to the perception that we are being critical of those we lead. Trying to motivate from a place of criticism may yield compliance, but not enthusiastic buy in for a ministry or a business. There’s a reason ministry is often referred to as a ‘calling.” God is not behind us pushing, but calls us forward, calls us in love and grace to keep moving, walking with us, encouraging us, and leading us through the dark valley. We help members in our faith communities and businesses see and hear this call from God as we lead by walking with one another, encouraging each other with words of God’s love and grace, but also with our words of gratitude and appreciation for who each person is and the specific ways people contribute their time, abilities and insights to the community.
Speaking of specifics, part 3 of this series on leading with gratitude includes some specific ideas for implementing gratitude into a faith community and your leadership.